List 1 - Biblical truths and concepts I've yet to experience or grasp
1. Understanding God as our Father - 1 John 3:1
My father died when I was only a few weeks old. My mother never remarried, and there were very few men in our family, so I didn't really have a father figure. I saw a few examples of fathers with their children, most notably at my godparents' house, but generally the children did their thing and the adults did theirs, so I didn't interact much with him, nor witness much interaction between him and his two children. So, with that being my only example, my idea of a father was someone who worked to provide for his family, supervised us when we needed it and disciplined us when we deserved it. My memory of him was as a kind man, albeit, intimidating at times, but distant. Someone who was there but not really an active part of any of our lives. I came to realize this wasn't always the case as I got older and saw more of my friends and their relationships with their fathers and then later as my friends became fathers themselves. But by that time I was 12 and my ideas on the subject had already been formed. That, coupled with the fact that I've only ever been an observer of a father/child relationship has made it difficult to understand who God is in that regard.
2. Understanding Jesus as our brother - Hebrews 2:11
As an only child, this one has been a bit difficult for me to grasp as well. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who "adopted" me as part of their family, even if just for a short while, but even then, I still felt like an outsider observing their family. There are things about sharing a home while growing up, rejoicing and mourning together over things that happen in that home, that can't be reproduced no matter how much you try to include someone else. I've never experienced the close bond of sisterhood or the feeling of safety knowing my brother was there to watch out for me.
3. Understanding Jesus as our friend - Proverbs 18:24
I have lots of friends. More friends than I can keep up with. But when I read what the Bible says about friendship, all of those relationships seem superficial. My experience, especially lately, has been that friends are people you call when you're bored and want something to do, or you need something they can provide. There are very few friends that I know well enough to know their struggles, their achievements, their goals, their fears and really much else about them other than where they work or go to school and what toppings they like on their pizza. Yet I know that Jesus must want so much more than that. 1 John is all about love and relationships, and 1 John 3 tells us we show love by laying down our lives for each other. I try to lay down my life for others, but always fail miserably. And I don't know if any of my friends would be willing to give up what is going on in their life for me. Our lives have become so self focused, even when doing things for others it's hard to not think about what we might get out of it. Even when our intentions are pure, we often hold back what we can offer in order to not get hurt. I love my friends and know they're good people. But nothing comes close to the love Jesus has, who gave up everything just to be our friend. And I know that's the point. But I still don't understand it.
4. We are not meant to be alone - Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:10
I've spent most of my life feeling very alone. Although I'm sure it probably happened earlier than this, the first time I remember being hugged was when I was 11 or 12. I remember this because it was so unexpected and I wasn't sure how to react. I was hugged first by my friend, who wasn't even a close friend yet, and then by her mother. After that, it still took a long time for me to become accustomed to people hugging me, and even now I always wait for the other person to initiate the hug. I was an exceptionally shy child growing up, who seldom spoke unless spoken to. I've overcome my shyness but the socially awkward part of me is still very present. I don't know how to relate to people and that keeps most people at a distance. I also became very independent, by necessity, and most people recognize that and think I don't need anything. And that may be true, in a purely metaphysical way. But not in a spiritual way. God recognized in the first man that we should not be alone. The wisest man ever to live realized that we shouldn't do everything on our own. I may not need someone to help me fix my car, but it's nice to have assistance. I have no problem going to see movies alone, but it's nice to have company. There have been many times when I've nearly fallen down, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and other times when I've held back from doing something for fear of falling down. But I did not trust that there would be someone there to pick me up.
While dwelling on these points, it caused me to reexamine my faith in God and the sacrifice of His Son, and even after such testing it is still intact. Even while my soul is longing for understanding I am able to worship. And I wondered why that was. Some would say I am holding on to religion out of desperation, because I have nothing else. But I think that it would be easier to ignore what I've never had if I didn't place a spiritual significance with it. My life was, and still is, far from bad. I grew up surrounded by people who love me and continue to be surrounded by love, even if that love isn't always manifested in ways I can see. If I didn't believe in Jesus' sacrificial love, I wouldn't expect sacrifice from others. So I don't think I hold on to my faith because I think I need it. In all honesty, life often seems like it would be so much easier without it, at least until I got to a "better" spot in life where believing didn't seem to get in the way.
So why have faith? Because even though I feel like I am lacking, I know in other areas I have been given in abundance. I quit my full-time, steady job in April and haven't worked more than 40 hours in a month, let alone a week, since then. My savings and student loan money ran out in September and I was having a harder time finding a job than I thought I would. I was turned down for several jobs that I seemed perfect for, even though it seemed when I left the interview they were ready to hire me on the spot. But other opportunities were also presented, which provided me with just enough for what I needed, and led to me making great friendships that will outlast any job I could have had. And that is just one example of how has provided. I could go on and on. It is unfair of me to expect everything from God and then only give Him partial faith. If I believe that He has fulfilled some of His promises, I must believe that He will fulfill them all. The Bible is an all or nothing book.
Not that it helps with the hurt. But at least when I look past the pain, I realize there is hope.
