I like watching Once Upon a Time because it creates a back story to help us understand the actions of the villains from classic fairy tales. For awhile we're sympathetic to them because of the plight that made them this way. Until they later do not own up to their actions and instead try to play the victim, thus turning back to their evil ways. I like to take this approach when thinking about Judas. Although we don't know how long Jesus knew Judas would betray him, the Father had to know all along and I'm sure Jesus prayed before choosing the twelve. So I always wonder if Judas was chosen just to play the role of villain or if he had a pure heart in the beginning but would inevitably be led astray and God chose to use that quality.
There are so many questions surrounding Judas. Did he ever truly believe that Jesus was the Son of God? Did he know what would happen to Jesus after he betrayed Him? I tend to think the answer to the second question is no. He spent three years with Jesus. He saw Him do miracles. He saw Him disappear in the middle of a crowd. I almost feel like it was a bad prank gone wrong. Judas got greedy and saw it as an opportunity to pay Jesus back for doing things he didn't approve of. Maybe he thought, since Jesus knew what he was doing, he would disappear before he got back. Maybe he thought he would perform a miracle and turn their swords into salamanders. Maybe he thought He would be taken to the Romans, given a bit of public flogging and then sent on His way. None of the disciples expected the events that took place. We have no reason to believe that Judas was any different.
It is important to me to remember that Judas may not have been a super villain. He may have been a guy with good intentions who suffered from greed and other afflictions that everyone else deals with. Some speculate he only followed Jesus because he thought he would rise to power. This may be true, but three years is a long time to wait and if he did think He would rise to power, it's because he believed that He was the Son of God. This is important for me because, in remembering this, I realize that I'm not that much unlike Judas.
I love Jesus. I believe He is the Son of God. I'll follow where He leads me. But I can be really, really selfish sometimes. I want love, I want comfort, I want acceptance, all on my own terms. And like Judas' reaction when Jesus' feet were washed in expensive perfume, sometimes the things acceptable to God are not acceptable to me. And sometimes, like Judas, I choose to take matters into my own hand, to produce an outcome more appealing than what God has done so far. I try to rush His plan along, or change it completely. I think, one small pleasure won't hurt anything. After all the worldliness I sacrifice, surely I deserve it, right?
Judas just wanted money, and maybe to teach Jesus a lesson. Instead, his actions led to the death of the Lamb. And while God purposed this for His glory, Judas never recovered and eventually lost his life. There are many justifiable speculations that say that Judas lived long enough to see the resurrected Savior. But even with that He still lost it all. I've seen many people plagued by their humanity to the point where they are unable to recover from an act of weakness.
Weakness is inevitable. Only through God's strength do I have the power to keep from becoming like Judas.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
When people speculate about Jesus' childhood, He's always made out to be perfect. People think He was always polite, always a hard worker, the perfect student and the perfect carpenter. But I believe Jesus was actually pretty average. I'm sure He did all of His schoolwork, but He probably daydreamed in class on more than one occasion. When learning how to be a carpenter He probably hit His hand with a hammer a few times, or mismeasured and made a lopsided table. Even in His sinlessness, He probably did things to frustrate His parents. In fact, we hear of one instance when they lost Him in the temple. I believe all this sinlessness is not the same thing as perfection. If Jesus was perfect, it wouldn't have been as much of a surprise when He began teaching. If Jesus was perfect, He would never have been able to experience all that I have, because many of my sufferings are a result of some inability I have.
Far too often we try to link perfection and sin. And while sin blemishes us, this is only a spiritual imperfection. My emotional imbalance is a form of imperfection, but does that make me a sinner? Regardless of how often I play my guitar I don't get much better. Does that make me a sinner?
Sin separates us from God. Our tendency to equate perfection and sinlessness soon takes us to a place where we believe that God loves us less because of what we can't do. If we're not a great scholar, great artist, great athlete, then God doesn't care for us as much as those who are. When we have to quit a workout before it is over, God is disappointed in us. When we get rejection letters from schools, or don't get hired after a job interview, or face rejection from a friend or significant other, we feel that God is rejecting us.
Where does this concept come from? And how can we counter it? I am thankful that this is no longer a mindset I hold, although at times it is difficult not to slip back into that way of thinking. Is the secret to accepting our imperfection recognizing our worth? Value outside of society- just an assessment of our potential and realization of how great we have been created by God. Or perhaps we just need to open ourselves up more to experience God's love. The people we love the most are the ones we also have an easier time overlooking their flaws. In fact, in some instances we don't even recognize the flaws are even there. As we let God love us more and more, we will realize that when God looks at us, all He sees is something beautiful. And as with a love relationship between two people, the more time we spend with God the more we begin to see ourselves the way He sees us. Then even the things we can't do become reasons for us to rejoice in ourselves.
Far too often we try to link perfection and sin. And while sin blemishes us, this is only a spiritual imperfection. My emotional imbalance is a form of imperfection, but does that make me a sinner? Regardless of how often I play my guitar I don't get much better. Does that make me a sinner?
Sin separates us from God. Our tendency to equate perfection and sinlessness soon takes us to a place where we believe that God loves us less because of what we can't do. If we're not a great scholar, great artist, great athlete, then God doesn't care for us as much as those who are. When we have to quit a workout before it is over, God is disappointed in us. When we get rejection letters from schools, or don't get hired after a job interview, or face rejection from a friend or significant other, we feel that God is rejecting us.
Where does this concept come from? And how can we counter it? I am thankful that this is no longer a mindset I hold, although at times it is difficult not to slip back into that way of thinking. Is the secret to accepting our imperfection recognizing our worth? Value outside of society- just an assessment of our potential and realization of how great we have been created by God. Or perhaps we just need to open ourselves up more to experience God's love. The people we love the most are the ones we also have an easier time overlooking their flaws. In fact, in some instances we don't even recognize the flaws are even there. As we let God love us more and more, we will realize that when God looks at us, all He sees is something beautiful. And as with a love relationship between two people, the more time we spend with God the more we begin to see ourselves the way He sees us. Then even the things we can't do become reasons for us to rejoice in ourselves.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
"The way to the Kingdom is through exploration."
Jesus did not come to sell people on becoming like Him, yet that is what we try to do. We speak our piece and wait for the hearer to fall on his knees when we're done. When that doesn't happen, sometimes we keep after them, but sometimes we give up and all the time we get discouraged.
We want to sugar coat the gospel so it's easier to swallow. We keep out the tough parts to make it more appealing. It becomes a numbers game, a criticism game. We lose sight of the truth and, as a result, the person we're talking to never sees the truth.
A true relationship with God can't be discovered through words. Whether our words or even just the words in the Bible. Jesus said we find Him if we seek Him. It is not our job to put people face to face with God. Our job is to show others the fruits of our relationship, so that they will want to find this type of relationship, too.
Jesus did not come to sell people on becoming like Him, yet that is what we try to do. We speak our piece and wait for the hearer to fall on his knees when we're done. When that doesn't happen, sometimes we keep after them, but sometimes we give up and all the time we get discouraged.
We want to sugar coat the gospel so it's easier to swallow. We keep out the tough parts to make it more appealing. It becomes a numbers game, a criticism game. We lose sight of the truth and, as a result, the person we're talking to never sees the truth.
A true relationship with God can't be discovered through words. Whether our words or even just the words in the Bible. Jesus said we find Him if we seek Him. It is not our job to put people face to face with God. Our job is to show others the fruits of our relationship, so that they will want to find this type of relationship, too.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The concept of community is so important, not just in the church, but in all of life. When we spend time with each other- talking, laughing and enjoying each other's company- our bodies produce dopamine. This is the same thing that is released when people take drugs like meth. Constantly, our society tries to find new ways to feel good. but this comes naturally, if only we take time for each other.
When I was younger, whenever I took a trip with school or the church ,we had to find ways to keep ourselves entertained while driving or waiting. usually this was done by playing a game or having conversations about things. Today, people keep themselves entertained by playing on their smartphone or portable gaming system. We still spend as much time with others as we used to in a group setting but we miss out on the experience.
Why do people avoid community:
1. Control - we can control ourselves but must be open if we let others in.
2. Fear - people are terrified of what will happen if we're known.
3. Denial - we give into thinking isolation is the best remedy for sin.
Although community is essential, our human nature makes it difficult. We worry about rejection, we judge the people we meet, we question our ability to connect. For those of us looking for community, we must be willing to be uncomfortable for a little while. Anything that improves our lives requires a little sacrifice. Exercising, doing well in school or work, creating something all take work. Sometimes a lot of work. But the end result is worth the sacrifice, if we put in our best. The same comes from getting to know each other. We must be intentional in developing strong relationships and know which aspects are worth working a little harder on.
For people who are already part of a community, there is the responsibility to open up that group to others. We naturally fear being vulnerable. When that act of vulnerability is met with openness and acceptance the receiver is more apt to open up more and more, until they are part of the community as well. It is more difficult for some than others to be vulnerable. We should do all that we can to allow that to happen for everyone.
I have often been vulnerable, and that vulnerability was met with pain. But is is only through vulnerability that I can become truly free. I must learn to trust that Jesus will hold me through my times of brokenness, and lead me to the ones who can make the void felt by isolation be filled with beneficial community.
When I was younger, whenever I took a trip with school or the church ,we had to find ways to keep ourselves entertained while driving or waiting. usually this was done by playing a game or having conversations about things. Today, people keep themselves entertained by playing on their smartphone or portable gaming system. We still spend as much time with others as we used to in a group setting but we miss out on the experience.
Why do people avoid community:
1. Control - we can control ourselves but must be open if we let others in.
2. Fear - people are terrified of what will happen if we're known.
3. Denial - we give into thinking isolation is the best remedy for sin.
Although community is essential, our human nature makes it difficult. We worry about rejection, we judge the people we meet, we question our ability to connect. For those of us looking for community, we must be willing to be uncomfortable for a little while. Anything that improves our lives requires a little sacrifice. Exercising, doing well in school or work, creating something all take work. Sometimes a lot of work. But the end result is worth the sacrifice, if we put in our best. The same comes from getting to know each other. We must be intentional in developing strong relationships and know which aspects are worth working a little harder on.
For people who are already part of a community, there is the responsibility to open up that group to others. We naturally fear being vulnerable. When that act of vulnerability is met with openness and acceptance the receiver is more apt to open up more and more, until they are part of the community as well. It is more difficult for some than others to be vulnerable. We should do all that we can to allow that to happen for everyone.
I have often been vulnerable, and that vulnerability was met with pain. But is is only through vulnerability that I can become truly free. I must learn to trust that Jesus will hold me through my times of brokenness, and lead me to the ones who can make the void felt by isolation be filled with beneficial community.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Faith
A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with some friends. Somehow the conversation turned to a discussion of the things we believe to be true and hold dear about our relationship with God. One side was of the idea that there are several aspects of Christianity that hold importance, such as when we worship. The other side is of the idea that outside of things that are very clear in the Bible, the rest is up to interpretation but holds little to no real impact on our salvation. I just listened, but it did cause me to think again about my heart.
In discussions like this, I am always reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." In fact, the conversation started with talking about Christians who refrain from meat and other foods for religious reasons. Paul speaks about this very thing, although everyone in our group agreed that, while not necessary to save your soul, it is not detrimental, either.
Many years ago, I had another conversation with a group of friends, during which one came to an understanding of what having a relationship with Christ meant for the first time, and the rest of us grew deeper in our faith by discussing it. It was at that time I came to a realization that has always stuck with me, and returned to mind last Monday. I believe that the true testament of faith comes only when you're willing to accept you may be wrong, but choose to believe it anyway.
It's easy to believe when you are confident something is true. But what about the times when your idea of truth is questioned? For many, it just takes the smallest amount of doubt to cause them to lose faith all together. Initial faith is easy. It's continual faith that challenges us and can either turn into our glory or our downfall. Jesus didn't put a blindfold on His disciples when He asked them to follow Him. Those who were with Him saw what He was about, both good and bad. Some chose to stick it out and some chose to leave. But they all made their decisions based on their experience as well as their faith. In fact, it was their experience that allowed their faith to be strengthened. And so it should be for us.
I believe, not because a nice lady told me to or because of a song I used to sing or a billboard I passed that told me I was going to hell if I didn't. I believe because God has proven Himself time and time again that He is faithful, so I too shall be faithful. Logic and science will try to convince me there's another explanation for the things I claim to be the faithfulness of God. And maybe they're right. I'm fully acceptable of the fact they may be right. So why do I continue to believe? Because, in believing, in resting my hope on a God who loves me, I am lacking in nothing. The Bible says His grace is sufficient and I believe that to be true. And if we get to the end and find out there really is nothing else, or we all get to go to heaven, or some other thing I thought to be true really was not, I will have no regrets. Because it's not about rules and laws and the after life. It's about living life now, and living life to the fullest. And I am fullest when I am basking in the love of God.
In discussions like this, I am always reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." In fact, the conversation started with talking about Christians who refrain from meat and other foods for religious reasons. Paul speaks about this very thing, although everyone in our group agreed that, while not necessary to save your soul, it is not detrimental, either.
Many years ago, I had another conversation with a group of friends, during which one came to an understanding of what having a relationship with Christ meant for the first time, and the rest of us grew deeper in our faith by discussing it. It was at that time I came to a realization that has always stuck with me, and returned to mind last Monday. I believe that the true testament of faith comes only when you're willing to accept you may be wrong, but choose to believe it anyway.
It's easy to believe when you are confident something is true. But what about the times when your idea of truth is questioned? For many, it just takes the smallest amount of doubt to cause them to lose faith all together. Initial faith is easy. It's continual faith that challenges us and can either turn into our glory or our downfall. Jesus didn't put a blindfold on His disciples when He asked them to follow Him. Those who were with Him saw what He was about, both good and bad. Some chose to stick it out and some chose to leave. But they all made their decisions based on their experience as well as their faith. In fact, it was their experience that allowed their faith to be strengthened. And so it should be for us.
I believe, not because a nice lady told me to or because of a song I used to sing or a billboard I passed that told me I was going to hell if I didn't. I believe because God has proven Himself time and time again that He is faithful, so I too shall be faithful. Logic and science will try to convince me there's another explanation for the things I claim to be the faithfulness of God. And maybe they're right. I'm fully acceptable of the fact they may be right. So why do I continue to believe? Because, in believing, in resting my hope on a God who loves me, I am lacking in nothing. The Bible says His grace is sufficient and I believe that to be true. And if we get to the end and find out there really is nothing else, or we all get to go to heaven, or some other thing I thought to be true really was not, I will have no regrets. Because it's not about rules and laws and the after life. It's about living life now, and living life to the fullest. And I am fullest when I am basking in the love of God.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas Is For Everyone (or: I'm returning to Haiti!)
Dear Friends,
Charles Dickens once wrote that "it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself." If we each look back I'm sure that somewhere we have some happy memory from the holidays. Like me, you may not remember the exact gifts you received in your early years, but the feeling I had after opening each present, knowing someone cared and thought about me, I still remember and cherish to this day. Sadly, however, there are many children who do not get the chance to receive gifts for Christmas. December 25th is merely one more day of the year. For children in Jacmel, Haiti they can only dream of getting any type of gift for Christmas. Without basic necessities like clean water the idea of a material present is just a dream.
In January 2011, I will be making a return trip to Jacmel with Restore Haiti (www.restorehaiti.com) to distribute Christmas gifts to the children of the city. You may be slightly confused by the timing – “Christmas is in December, isn't it?” you might ask. Yes, but due to a burst of cholera outbreaks and rioting caused by the recent elections in the country our team's trip has been postponed until early January. This delay, although caused by unfortunate circumstances, has also been a blessing, for me at least, as it opened up an opportunity for me to join the team. This being said, our trip is even more important than ever. I personally hope to bring some sort of respite to the children from these crazy and dangerous times.
Thanks to an overwhelming response the team has received the needed gifts to give to these children. We covet still your fervent prayers as well as your financial support. I need to raise $1,025 by January 3rd, 2011. There are several ways you can help, any of which would be greatly appreciated.
If you are in the Nashville area, I will be acoustically performing Christmas carols to raise some of the needed funds. Please come and join me in celebrating Christ's birth via song! I will be releasing the exact dates and times very soon. For those of you who love homemade baked goods but don't have the time/touch, I am selling cakes/cookies/cheesecakes/etc made to order. Just be sure to get your order in soon! And if you'd like to help the old-fashioned way with a tax-deductible donation, you can do so via Paypal (my address is saminsocks @ hotmail.com) or send me a message and I will provide you with my address.
Christ came into this world with the purpose to give the gift of eternal life to us. Sure, America has made Christmas into a material driven holiday, but the tradition of presents given to those we love is a simple illustration of Christ's true selfless love for us. Please help me give this opportunity to the children of Jacmel.
With sincerest thanks,
Sandrene R. Mathews
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Most of my journal entries have been about things I've learned and discovered, about God, about myself, and about the world. Lately I've been struggling with the things I haven't yet discovered, or those things I've yet to experience. Although I don't have answers, I feel I need to write about those things now, as well as what I've concluded thus far concerning them. I've been trying to do this for awhile and haven't been able to, so I think my best method is to just write out a few lists and see what happens from there.
List 1 - Biblical truths and concepts I've yet to experience or grasp
1. Understanding God as our Father - 1 John 3:1
My father died when I was only a few weeks old. My mother never remarried, and there were very few men in our family, so I didn't really have a father figure. I saw a few examples of fathers with their children, most notably at my godparents' house, but generally the children did their thing and the adults did theirs, so I didn't interact much with him, nor witness much interaction between him and his two children. So, with that being my only example, my idea of a father was someone who worked to provide for his family, supervised us when we needed it and disciplined us when we deserved it. My memory of him was as a kind man, albeit, intimidating at times, but distant. Someone who was there but not really an active part of any of our lives. I came to realize this wasn't always the case as I got older and saw more of my friends and their relationships with their fathers and then later as my friends became fathers themselves. But by that time I was 12 and my ideas on the subject had already been formed. That, coupled with the fact that I've only ever been an observer of a father/child relationship has made it difficult to understand who God is in that regard.
2. Understanding Jesus as our brother - Hebrews 2:11
As an only child, this one has been a bit difficult for me to grasp as well. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who "adopted" me as part of their family, even if just for a short while, but even then, I still felt like an outsider observing their family. There are things about sharing a home while growing up, rejoicing and mourning together over things that happen in that home, that can't be reproduced no matter how much you try to include someone else. I've never experienced the close bond of sisterhood or the feeling of safety knowing my brother was there to watch out for me.
3. Understanding Jesus as our friend - Proverbs 18:24
I have lots of friends. More friends than I can keep up with. But when I read what the Bible says about friendship, all of those relationships seem superficial. My experience, especially lately, has been that friends are people you call when you're bored and want something to do, or you need something they can provide. There are very few friends that I know well enough to know their struggles, their achievements, their goals, their fears and really much else about them other than where they work or go to school and what toppings they like on their pizza. Yet I know that Jesus must want so much more than that. 1 John is all about love and relationships, and 1 John 3 tells us we show love by laying down our lives for each other. I try to lay down my life for others, but always fail miserably. And I don't know if any of my friends would be willing to give up what is going on in their life for me. Our lives have become so self focused, even when doing things for others it's hard to not think about what we might get out of it. Even when our intentions are pure, we often hold back what we can offer in order to not get hurt. I love my friends and know they're good people. But nothing comes close to the love Jesus has, who gave up everything just to be our friend. And I know that's the point. But I still don't understand it.
4. We are not meant to be alone - Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:10
I've spent most of my life feeling very alone. Although I'm sure it probably happened earlier than this, the first time I remember being hugged was when I was 11 or 12. I remember this because it was so unexpected and I wasn't sure how to react. I was hugged first by my friend, who wasn't even a close friend yet, and then by her mother. After that, it still took a long time for me to become accustomed to people hugging me, and even now I always wait for the other person to initiate the hug. I was an exceptionally shy child growing up, who seldom spoke unless spoken to. I've overcome my shyness but the socially awkward part of me is still very present. I don't know how to relate to people and that keeps most people at a distance. I also became very independent, by necessity, and most people recognize that and think I don't need anything. And that may be true, in a purely metaphysical way. But not in a spiritual way. God recognized in the first man that we should not be alone. The wisest man ever to live realized that we shouldn't do everything on our own. I may not need someone to help me fix my car, but it's nice to have assistance. I have no problem going to see movies alone, but it's nice to have company. There have been many times when I've nearly fallen down, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and other times when I've held back from doing something for fear of falling down. But I did not trust that there would be someone there to pick me up.
While dwelling on these points, it caused me to reexamine my faith in God and the sacrifice of His Son, and even after such testing it is still intact. Even while my soul is longing for understanding I am able to worship. And I wondered why that was. Some would say I am holding on to religion out of desperation, because I have nothing else. But I think that it would be easier to ignore what I've never had if I didn't place a spiritual significance with it. My life was, and still is, far from bad. I grew up surrounded by people who love me and continue to be surrounded by love, even if that love isn't always manifested in ways I can see. If I didn't believe in Jesus' sacrificial love, I wouldn't expect sacrifice from others. So I don't think I hold on to my faith because I think I need it. In all honesty, life often seems like it would be so much easier without it, at least until I got to a "better" spot in life where believing didn't seem to get in the way.
List 1 - Biblical truths and concepts I've yet to experience or grasp
1. Understanding God as our Father - 1 John 3:1
My father died when I was only a few weeks old. My mother never remarried, and there were very few men in our family, so I didn't really have a father figure. I saw a few examples of fathers with their children, most notably at my godparents' house, but generally the children did their thing and the adults did theirs, so I didn't interact much with him, nor witness much interaction between him and his two children. So, with that being my only example, my idea of a father was someone who worked to provide for his family, supervised us when we needed it and disciplined us when we deserved it. My memory of him was as a kind man, albeit, intimidating at times, but distant. Someone who was there but not really an active part of any of our lives. I came to realize this wasn't always the case as I got older and saw more of my friends and their relationships with their fathers and then later as my friends became fathers themselves. But by that time I was 12 and my ideas on the subject had already been formed. That, coupled with the fact that I've only ever been an observer of a father/child relationship has made it difficult to understand who God is in that regard.
2. Understanding Jesus as our brother - Hebrews 2:11
As an only child, this one has been a bit difficult for me to grasp as well. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who "adopted" me as part of their family, even if just for a short while, but even then, I still felt like an outsider observing their family. There are things about sharing a home while growing up, rejoicing and mourning together over things that happen in that home, that can't be reproduced no matter how much you try to include someone else. I've never experienced the close bond of sisterhood or the feeling of safety knowing my brother was there to watch out for me.
3. Understanding Jesus as our friend - Proverbs 18:24
I have lots of friends. More friends than I can keep up with. But when I read what the Bible says about friendship, all of those relationships seem superficial. My experience, especially lately, has been that friends are people you call when you're bored and want something to do, or you need something they can provide. There are very few friends that I know well enough to know their struggles, their achievements, their goals, their fears and really much else about them other than where they work or go to school and what toppings they like on their pizza. Yet I know that Jesus must want so much more than that. 1 John is all about love and relationships, and 1 John 3 tells us we show love by laying down our lives for each other. I try to lay down my life for others, but always fail miserably. And I don't know if any of my friends would be willing to give up what is going on in their life for me. Our lives have become so self focused, even when doing things for others it's hard to not think about what we might get out of it. Even when our intentions are pure, we often hold back what we can offer in order to not get hurt. I love my friends and know they're good people. But nothing comes close to the love Jesus has, who gave up everything just to be our friend. And I know that's the point. But I still don't understand it.
4. We are not meant to be alone - Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:10
I've spent most of my life feeling very alone. Although I'm sure it probably happened earlier than this, the first time I remember being hugged was when I was 11 or 12. I remember this because it was so unexpected and I wasn't sure how to react. I was hugged first by my friend, who wasn't even a close friend yet, and then by her mother. After that, it still took a long time for me to become accustomed to people hugging me, and even now I always wait for the other person to initiate the hug. I was an exceptionally shy child growing up, who seldom spoke unless spoken to. I've overcome my shyness but the socially awkward part of me is still very present. I don't know how to relate to people and that keeps most people at a distance. I also became very independent, by necessity, and most people recognize that and think I don't need anything. And that may be true, in a purely metaphysical way. But not in a spiritual way. God recognized in the first man that we should not be alone. The wisest man ever to live realized that we shouldn't do everything on our own. I may not need someone to help me fix my car, but it's nice to have assistance. I have no problem going to see movies alone, but it's nice to have company. There have been many times when I've nearly fallen down, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and other times when I've held back from doing something for fear of falling down. But I did not trust that there would be someone there to pick me up.
While dwelling on these points, it caused me to reexamine my faith in God and the sacrifice of His Son, and even after such testing it is still intact. Even while my soul is longing for understanding I am able to worship. And I wondered why that was. Some would say I am holding on to religion out of desperation, because I have nothing else. But I think that it would be easier to ignore what I've never had if I didn't place a spiritual significance with it. My life was, and still is, far from bad. I grew up surrounded by people who love me and continue to be surrounded by love, even if that love isn't always manifested in ways I can see. If I didn't believe in Jesus' sacrificial love, I wouldn't expect sacrifice from others. So I don't think I hold on to my faith because I think I need it. In all honesty, life often seems like it would be so much easier without it, at least until I got to a "better" spot in life where believing didn't seem to get in the way.
So why have faith? Because even though I feel like I am lacking, I know in other areas I have been given in abundance. I quit my full-time, steady job in April and haven't worked more than 40 hours in a month, let alone a week, since then. My savings and student loan money ran out in September and I was having a harder time finding a job than I thought I would. I was turned down for several jobs that I seemed perfect for, even though it seemed when I left the interview they were ready to hire me on the spot. But other opportunities were also presented, which provided me with just enough for what I needed, and led to me making great friendships that will outlast any job I could have had. And that is just one example of how has provided. I could go on and on. It is unfair of me to expect everything from God and then only give Him partial faith. If I believe that He has fulfilled some of His promises, I must believe that He will fulfill them all. The Bible is an all or nothing book.
Not that it helps with the hurt. But at least when I look past the pain, I realize there is hope.
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